A letter to myself this Holiday Season  -dealing with life after loss and everything in between ❤️

I see how tired you are of trying to put on a smile every time you feel sad for missing them. Just know that it’s ok to not be ok.

Missing them is how you show you love them no matter how much time passes. I see how much pain your heart feels when you try to be everything to everyone who needs you but in turn you neglect yourself; making sure everyone around you is happy. Please stop feeling guilty for saying no. Do what fills you up because you absolutely cannot pour from an empty cup.

I see you cry yourself to sleep over the smallest triggers that no one around you sees or understands. Certain foods around the holidays that make you think of them can literally ruin your day because  the ache of missing them is just too much.

I see you struggling to show up for everyone in your life except yourself. I see the inward battle of you juggling how to check everything off your list for the week and feeling sad because there just isn’t enough time for you. That is a lie. Be present for your family and your inner circle of friends and of course for your job, but never let any of those things take precedence over your needs and health. It’s not selfish to take care of you.

Take a deep breath and speak positive words into your soul today. Everything is going to be ok. You’ve got this. Christmas is coming and the pain is getting more intense and so is the guilt for dreading the happiest day of the year. It’s ok to not be ok. Feel all of the things and let them go. Remember that you can only control how you respond to situations that arise, not the circumstances themselves. I believe in you.

So turn on the Christmas music that reminds you of those magical times as a child with your family. The times when there was no stress or hurt and hold onto those memories. It’s ok to not repeat all of the same traditions that your missing loved ones did for you and instead pick the most memorable ones and stick to those while creating your own. I see how overwhelmed you feel every time you think of the holidays and how on earth you’re supposed to recreate all of those special times for your family when you can’t even get through the day without being angry at the ones you’ve lost for not being here.

You cry at the littlest things and then feel guilty for being emotional. There’s this deep loyalty within you that is still trying to please them with your service even though they aren’t here. It’s ok to let go. They still love you from above and they see how hard you try…as a wife, and a full time working mama. They understand and they are cheering you on because you, mama, are doing the very best you can.

Take another deep breath and remember who you are. The wife who loves hard through every trial, the mom who puts herself last daily but still feels guilty for going to work every day because she didn’t give of herself enough today. You are amazing and strong. You give every ounce of your strength to your family even if they don’t see it and I’m proud of you. Keep pushing and remember that these hard times with a toddler are temporary so love him fiercely through the tantrums and hold him through the growing pains. Keep being the sister you are and the friend you are. I know you don’t think you ever give enough but I see that you give absolutely everything you can. Rest well knowing that you try your best ❤️

Through all of the madness of this crazy, beautiful life PLEASE don’t forget who God made you to be. Don’t stop taking bubble baths when you need time to decompress and don’t stop making time for you. It’s what makes you the best version of yourself and the people around you need that version the most. Make this holiday season the best you can and be ok with all the other stuff that may not be perfect. Leave the house a mess for a day if it means spending time loving your babies. It can wait. You’ll be there tomorrow to be super mom and clean up the all messes, but today they will only remember you being present. You’ve got this and you are more than enough. On the days you don’t see that, remember that they do ❤️

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